This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Did you just see the Batmobile???
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
