Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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