I think im going to throw up on grandma
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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