Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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