Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
