No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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