I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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