Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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