I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize