onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
