K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
