I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There's always time for handjobs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
