I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize