I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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