She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
