Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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