I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
pop tarts are not kleenex
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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