No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
