Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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