Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
