I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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