I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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