My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
