Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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