Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
