i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
