come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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