Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
