party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
