3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
3pm strippers are depressing
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
