Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
