I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
