so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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