I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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