I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
