I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
