my room smells like sperm. sweet.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
