I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
