Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
