she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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