I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
