Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I came so hard my ears popped.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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