Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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