I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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