What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
