if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize