If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
