gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
