Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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