I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
