I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize