And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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