I accidentally had phone sex last night
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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