Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize