He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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