I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
